"I didn't recognize you."

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."


Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had such a long time to live, she figured she might as well look great. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a speeding ambulance.


Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"


God replied, "I didn't recognize you." 

The Miracle Of Toilet Paper:

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
 

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
 

As I've Matured:

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.


Pass this along to friends... trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not... tough shit

Little jokes :-)

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
 

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
 

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Arkansas Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile !!
 

"Talking Dog for Sale."

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders 'cuz no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, though, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him and says to the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why are you selling him?"

The owner replies: "He's such a liar."
 

Views of Andy Rooney

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"

2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like
18% that say "I don't know." It cost 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone)
"I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."


6. Andy Rooney On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

7. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."

Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

8. Andy Rooney on Research:

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember what to do with them.
 

Who's the boss?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge......

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems. Without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over. Without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes.

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge.

Subject: PUNishment

To entertain your clever mind....

A good pun is its own reword.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
 

Addendums to Murphy's Law

and other smile makers

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She's always late, in fact, her ancestors arrived on the June flower.
13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
20. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
29. Shin: A device for finding furniture .
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 

WE ALL NEED A LAUGH

(Q) What's the best form of birth control after 50?
(A) Nudity.

(Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
(A) 45 lbs.

(Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
(A) 45 minutes.

(Q) How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
(A) None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

(Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
(A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.

(Q) Why are men and parking spaces alike?
(A) Because all the good ones are taken
and the only ones left are disabled.

(Q) Why do men want to marry virgins?
(A) They can't stand criticism.

(Q) What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
(A) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

(Q) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
(A) The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving.

(Q) What do you call a smart blonde male?
(A) A golden retriever.

(Q) Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
(A) Because they have cotton balls.

(Q) What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
(A) A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

(Q) What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
(A) Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

(Q) Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
(A) Mace will do that to you.

(Q) Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
(A) Everyone has the same DNA.

(Q) What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the other?
(A) A speech impediment.

(Q) Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
(A) Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

(Q) What's the difference between a Southern zoo & a Northern zoo?
(A) A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
the cage, along with a recipe.

(Q) What's the Cuban National Anthem?
(A) Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

(Q) What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a
Southern fairy tale?
(A) A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time.
A Southern fairy tale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit

Who says there is nothing new under the sun!

1971: Long Hair
2001: Longing for Hair
 
1971: The perfect high
2001: The perfect high yield mutual fund
 
1971: KEG
2001: EKG
 
1971: Acid rock
2001: Acid reflux
 
1971: Moving to Calif. because it's cool.
2001: Moving to Calif. because it's warm.
 
1971: Growing pot.
2001: Growing pot belly
 
1971: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2001: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your grandkids
 
1971: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2001: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
 
1971: Seeds and stems
2001: Roughage
 
1971: Popping pills, smoking joints
2001: Popping joints
 
1971: Our President's struggle with Fidel
2001: Our President's struggle with fidelity
 
1971: Paar
2001: AARP
 
1971: Killer weed
2001: Weed killer
 
1971: Hoping for a BMW
2001: Hoping for a BM
 
1971: The Grateful Dead
2001: Dr. Kevorkian
 
1971: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2001: Receiving a new hip joint
 
1971: Rolling Stones
2001: Kidney stones
 
1971: Being called into the principal's office
2001: Calling the principal's office
 
1971: Screw the system
2001: Upgrade the system
 
1971: Peace sign
2001: Mercedes logo
 
1971: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2001: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
 
1971: Taking acid
2001: Taking antacid
 
1971: Passing the drivers test
2001: Passing the vision test
 
1971: Whatever
2001: Depends
 
What a difference 30 years can make, huh
 

Adam's underwear

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He Picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there,Dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear
 

Your Horse???

A Samoan man was sitting, quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.

"Se ia, two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.
She looks satisfied, apologizes and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"

"Your horse called!"

"He'd still be alive today"

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her
95 year old grandmother to comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear, then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Wait a minute!

This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time.

This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my friggin' shoes!"