Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.


The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.


Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.


THANK GOD FOR HEROS!

It's all about an Ass

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that
there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase
one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going
price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a
donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it
in the races.  To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:

       PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

         PREACHER'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next paper headline read:

       BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid
of the donkey.  The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

  NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted.  He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read:

    NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:

      NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.
 

LOST GOLFER 
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. 
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." 
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. 
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. 
I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." 
"No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!" 

Murphy and time

Murphy, weaving his way home in the wee small hours of the morning, encounters the local Bobby.
Here ye are again Murphy, the worse the wear for drink.
Don't ye know what time it is?


"No," says Murphy. "But I can tell from the moon."


Says the constable, "I've heard of people telling time from the sun, but not from the moon."


"Then watch," says Murphy, and putting his head back and cupping his mouth he bellows, "HeLLOOOW MOON!!"


A voice in the night comes back, "Knock it off you drunken twit, don't you know it's two o'clock in the morning"


"See!" says Murphy.

There once was an oyster
Whose story I tell,
Who found that some sand
Had got into his shell.

It was only a grain,
but it gave him great pain.
For oysters have feelings
Although they're so plain.

Now, did he berate
the harsh workings of fate
That had brought him
To such a deplorable state?

  Two Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when they realize that they are lost. One hunter says to the other, "Fire three shots in the air. That's the universal signal for help."


"OK," says the other, and he does so.


They wait a couple of hours but nobody came.


"Do it again," says the first hunter.


The second hunter fires another three shots into the air, and another couple of hour's pass and still nobody came to their rescue.


"Try it again," requests the first hunter.


"I can't," replies the second hunter.


"Why not?" asks the first hunter.


"Because I only have one arrow left," says the second hunter.

A Potato Story 

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.' 

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.


Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.


When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the 

Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.


Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' 

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.


But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. 
Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a ... Are you ready for this?

... Common Tater 

Butfirst

I'm writing you to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with a very serious condition and there's no hope I will ever get over it. You may have it also, check the symptoms.
It may also be hereditary.
The scientific world is frantically searching for a cure.
This is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed. However, now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so hard to accomplish something and didn't.
It's called the "But first Syndrome."
It's like when I decide to do the laundry- I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. Okay, I'm going to do the laundry, But first - I'm going to read the newspaper.
Then I notice the mail on the table.Okay, I'll just put the paper in the recycle stack, Butfirst - I'll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Now where's the checkbook?
Oops! There's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook, Butfirst - I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass on the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away, Butfirst - I need to water those plants. Head for door and Ack! Stepped on the cat.
The cat needs to be fed.
Okay, I'll put that remote away and water the plants, Butfirst - I need to feed the cat.
At the end of day:
The laundry isn't done, the newspapers are still onthe floor, the glass is still not in the sink, the bills are not paid, the checkbook is still missing, and the cat whizzed on the remote control.
AND, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm baffled, because I KNOW I was BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious...and I really should get some help...
But first, I need to read my e-mail.
 

OUT OF FUEL 

Pilot: "Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land, 
600 feet over water, and running out of fuel. Please instruct!" 
Tower: "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'" 

STRANGE SEX LAWS 

1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) 

2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Makes you hope you never need surgery!) 

3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) 

4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Whoa!) 

5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) 

6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) 

7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) 

8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. 
(Makes one shudder at the thought.) 

9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) 

10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam, though!!) 

TWO PRIESTS

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father", "Good morning, Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? They asked each other. The next day, they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again the two priests in mufti settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually with "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady." "Yes?", she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela," she replied.

FLYING FIRST CLASS 

A plane is on its way to New York when a blonde in coach gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The stewardess watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for coach and that she will have to sit her assigned seat. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm staying right here!" 


The stewardess goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a woman sitting in first class that belongs in coach and won't move back to her seat. 
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for coach she will have to leave first class and return to her seat in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm staying right here!" 


The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the coach section. The stewardess and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her first class wasn't going to New York." 

WOMEN DRIVERS 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light." 


After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. 
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. 


At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" 


Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?" 

WOMEN'S VOCABULARY.... 

Keywords and their meaning... 

FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade. 

NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" 
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". 

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". 

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. 

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". 

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. 
Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. 

OH: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". 
If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. 
She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least days. "Oh" 
as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them. 

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. 
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. 

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". 

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome. 

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". 
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing". 

Once upon a time ..... 
There lived a king. The King had a 
beautiful daughter, the Princess. 

But the kingdom was a sad place. 
There was no laughter, and no joy. 
The problem was, that 
everything the Princess touched would melt. 
No matter what, metal, wood, 
plastic...anything she touched would melt!! 

Because of this, men were afraid of her. 
Nobody would dare marry her. 
The king despaired. 
What could he do to help his 
beautiful daughter? 
He consulted his wizards and magicians. 

One wizard told the king, "If your 
daughter touches one thing that 
does not melt in her hands, she 
will be cured." 

The King was overjoyed. The next 
day, he held a competition. Any man 
who could bring his daughter an 
object that would not melt at her 
touch, would marry her and inherit 
the King's wealth. 

Three young princes took up the challenge. 

The first Prince brought a very hard 
alloy of titanium. 
When the Princess touched it, it 
melted. The Prince went away sadly. 

The second Prince brought a huge 
diamond, thinking that diamond is 
the hardest substance in the world 
and will not melt. 

But, alas, once the Princess touched 
it, it melted. He too went away disappointed. 

The third Prince approached. He 
told the Princess, "Put your hand 
in my pocket and feel what is in there." 
The Princess did as she was told, 
though she turned red. 

She felt something hard. She held 
it in her hand...and it did not melt!! 

The King was overjoyed! 
Everybody in the kingdom was 
overjoyed! 

And the third Prince married the 
Princess and the both lived 
happily ever after. 



What WAS the object in the Prince's pocket??? 
















They were M&M's, of course. 
THEY melt in your MOUTH, 
NOT in your HAND!! 

(What were YOU thinking?) 

A father burst into the house and hollars" OK which one of you tipped the Out-house over?" Willy stood and spoke "I am just like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie, I pushed it over and into the Creek "Now nearly screaming the father yells "I am gonna Beat you "" Hey wait a minute" exclaimed Willy, " when Old George told he cut the cherry tree down he didn't get whipped" and at the the father said "that's true, but "Old George's dad wasn't in the cherry tree" 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though they were very large mammals, their throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible. 
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

An elderly couple traveling thru Arkansas was stopped by the hi-way patrol. 
Looking at the old gentleman's license he noticed they were from Alabama, he ask are you folks from Al., 

The old lady was hard of hearing and screamed ""What'd he say"?

The old man said" he ask if we were from "Alabama" ,the officer then said he had been stationed in Alabama in the service, again the old woman yelled, "What'd he say"?

He said he was in the service in Alabama, then the officer said , "ya when I was there I met the ugliest, dumbest woman I have ever seen, the old lady said "What'd he say"?

The old gent replied. "He thinks he knows you !!!

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. 

One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her.  

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm... "but is this stool taken?"

Rules that women should Know aka RULES THAT GUYS WISHED GIRLS KNEW!

[Please note...these are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!] 

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really!
1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. 
Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. Things we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done-not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends like THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

A little 5 year old granddaughter 

told me a lie and 

I told her she would have to live with the consequences

and she promptly asked , 

" Do they have a pool" :-)

My friend Ed looked over at me and said, 

Fred, did you know you've got 

a suppository in yer left ear?
I have? A suppository?', 

I said as I pulled it out and stared at it. 

Then I said: 'Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. 
Now I know where my hearin' aid is.

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Soon she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of the expenses. Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I come home and I'll explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, then fell the floor with a heart attack. The medic asked what had triggered the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, and two without."

A man took his little girl to see "Star Wars." He noticed she alternated between excitement and puzzlement. After the movie he asked her what she thought of it. She replied, "Well, Dad, I liked it a lot, except I couldn't understand a word that big hairy guy said." He laughed and explained, "Oh, I know why! That was a Wookie, and that's just the way the Wookie mumbles!"    :-)

Hawaiian style kind joke

Q: What did one Hawaiian lady's saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: Eh, we betta get support or else they goin' tink we nuts. 

Q: What do you call an uku 

(Hawaiian for head lice ) on a bald man's head?
A: Homeless 

Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested yesterday for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. The sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg, causing severe muscle and tendon damage. She has been charged with a misdeweiner

A naked woman is bouncing on her bed singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen year old." She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Novice On Email 

Novice: I'm on the Internet now.
Me: Good. What's your e-mail address?
Novice: beagle12.
Me: beagle12?
Novice: beagle12.
Me: That's not a valid e-mail address. Usually there is an '@' sign after that, and some more words.
Novice: No.
Me: Are you on AOL?
Novice: Yes.
Me: Oh I understand now :-)

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

One day three men from Oahu Prison were planning an escape. A Hawaiian a Chinese and a Portagee.  They dug a deep hole under the fence and made their escape. The guards were chasing them down with hunting dogs. The three men ran for cover and each climbed up the mango trees. The dogs led the guards to the first tree. The dogs were barking loud and the Hawaiian guy was nervous and scared. He thought quickly and made the sound of a bird chirping. The guards soon thought that the dogs lost the trail of one of the escapees and let the dogs on to another scent of an inmate.  The dogs led the guards to another mango tree. This time it was a Chinese guy. Quickly thinking of how the Hawaiian guy outsmarted the guards, the Chinese guy started to hoot like an owl. The guards again left the tree and went on to another scent that the other dogs picked up. This time it was the Portuguese guy. The Portuguese guy thought he had it made. He knew that the Hawaiian and the Chinese guys outsmarted the prison guards, and he too had a plan. "All I have to do is make a noise like an animal, and they'll go away," the Portagee mind thought. So he says "Mooooooo."

THE TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:


** 14. Punish My Spouse 
** 13. Pass My Shotgun (my most favorite)
** 12. Psychotic Mood Shift 
** 11. Pack My Stuff 
** 10. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome 
** 9. Perpetual Munching Spree 
** 8. Puffy Mid-Section 
** 7. People Make Me Sick 
** 6. Provide Me with Sweets 
** 5. Pardon My Sobbing 
** 4. Pimples May Surface 
** 3. Pass My Sweatpants 
** 2. Pissy Mood Syndrome 
** 1. Plainly Men Suck 

What I Want in a Man 

1. Handsome 
2. Charming 
3. Financially successful 
4. A caring listener 
5. Witty 
6. In good shape 
7. Dresses with style 
8. Appreciates finer things 
9. Full of thoughtful surprises 
10. An imaginative, romantic lover What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 
4. Listens more than talks 
5. Laughs at my jokes 
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 
7. Owns at least one tie 
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 
10. Seeks romance at least once a week What I Want in a Man, 

Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 
4. Nods head when I'm talking 
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 
10. Shaves most weekends What I Want in a Man, 

Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 
3. Do! esn't borrow money too often 
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times 
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 
9. Remembers your name on occasion 
10. Shaves some weekends What I Want in a Man, 

Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children 
2. Remembers where bathroom is 
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 
4. Only snores lightly when asleep 
5. Remembers why he's laughing 
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 
7. Usually wears some clothes 
8. Likes soft foods 
9. Remembers where he left his teeth 
10. Remembers that it's the weekend What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing 

WHAT IS IT?

George Bush has a short one

Gorbachev has a long one

Madonna doesn't have one

A priest has one, but hardly uses it

Answer below.....

Answer: 

A person's last name